Epidermic Evil

I pulled a foreign object out of my leg last night.

I had a spot. It was kind of like a little growth right next my shin. It was there for a few weeks, possibly even a couple months, before Kristen spotted it.

She wanted at it. I was just trying to ignore it.

She was convinced it was an ingrown hair and she could squeeze it into submission. Fix the situation.

So I gave her permission to attack. She squeezed and squeezed. It popped a little bit, but nothing too extraordinary.

We called it a day but she assured me that by the next day, the growth on my leg would be begging to be popped and the evil presence that lay beneath would be exposed.

So on Day two of this methodical extraction, Kristen went at it again. There was definitely a change in the look and feel of the spot. There was stuff to pop. So she popped it, and squeezed it, and squeezed it some more.

For some reason, we just weren't satisfied. We felt that we had won a battle but were still losing the war. It seemed like something was still there.... under the skin... right next to my shin.

I wiped it with peroxide. drowned it in Neosporin. I applied a band aid. I did that every day for two weeks.

One night I took off the band-aid to show Kristen and we both noticed that my leg had taken a turn for the worse.

The spot was swollen and red. When I moved the skin around to get a better look, a large quantity of yellow puss started oozing. Puss actually started oozing from 3 or 4 various spots in the vicinity of ground zero. This was not the spot we had come to know. This was something different altogether.

Kristen made me swear that if it didnt improve over the next few days that I would go to the doctor. She looked a little worried.

I was determined to avoid a visit to the doctor.

More peroxide. I got some iodine and dropped that on there. I was dressing and undressing that wound every few hours for 3 days straight.

Then, last night, as I was getting out of the shower, I thought I saw something. I spotted something inside the spot, which now looked like a whole cheese pizza that the delivery guy dropped when he tripped and fell, but tried to deliver it anyway, hoping you wouldnt notice. Yum.

What I saw looked like a tiny hair. An INGROWN hair, perhaps? I thought it might have been the very ingrown hair that we have been searching for along.

I grabbed a pair of tweezers.... Kristen's tweezers...the NICE ones...  the ones that she uses for her eyebrows and stuff.... great pair of tweezers plus the closest thing I could grab.

I reached down and gently poked it. I could tell that something was there. It was solid, somewhat sinister.... something told me I should just grab it and pull it out. Put it out of it's misery.

So I did. I got a good hold of it... and whoa... thats not an ingrown hair... it was... some sort of... what is it? It was this.... this THING.... A foreign object that had been hiding out under the skin... right next to my shin. it was MUCH bigger than I expected.... bigger than a sesame seed, smaller than a caper... couldn't have been related to a caper though... maybe a peppercorn.... or a peppercorn's twisted little brother.

That shit was in my leg. Been there for months.

When I took it out, it left a hole in my leg. You don't want me to tell you what it looked like at that point.

I yelled into Kristen that I had something to show her. I'm sure rolled her eyes thinking I was going to do my usual  dance around the bed naked before we go to bed routine....

But this was MUCH better than that. I pulled a damn peppercorn clear out of the depths of my epidermis.

I brought all the evidence in to show her. I turned the nightstand light on and said....

"Look what I just pulled out my leg."
"OHHH... my... GOD."
"Look at the hole?
"OH MY GODDD!!!"

We both looked at the little peppercorn, shaking our heads.

"What IZZZ that?" She asked.
"I dont know. Looks like it could be a seed, or a piece of dirt. Definitely not an ingrown hair."
"How did you get it out?"
"Well, I I saw looked like a tiny hair. I thought it might be able to get it out of there, finally. So I grabbed a pair of tweezers."
"MYYY TWEEEZERS!!!!"
"Yeah"
"Ewwwwwww.... gross!!! Why did you have to use my Tweezersss???!!!!"
"I'm sorry, I'll clean them. I'll soak them in Peroxide. Aren't you happy I got this out of my leg?"
"EWWWWW.... those are my good tweezers..... Godddd!!!"

Kristen got up and ran into the bathroom to start disinfectng her tweezers and left me alone with the peppercorn. It was soft enough to break in half, with a firm, outer shell. It was kind like an M&M. I pulled an infected M&M from my leg.

Weird. Don't know where it came from, or how it got there.

Kristen thinks it came from a hiking trip last year when I walked through some tough brush and got little pieces of plant shrapnel in my shins. I actually had this big nasty thorn break off in my leg and I had to pull it out with my fingers. I had about a 1/4 inch of thorn stuck in there.

That was so long ago, though I cant imagine that this little piece of whatever has been hiding under my skin for so long.... but I guess its possible.

I'm just glad it's gone. My leg is looking AWESOME right now.

Let the healing begin.






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